CALGARY picks 3 new Leaders

alberta throws off tryanny and selects the Hanson brothers

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Following the attack on Ocean Wiesblatt yesterdy,  Calgarians  unanimously selected three key new leaders for Alberta. The Calgary Mayor, the Alberta Chief Medical officer and a brand new Chief of Police.

"If you are going to have goons, then they need to be on your side", stated Ralph Patterson, leader of the new movement for truth and transparancy. "You simply cannot have a bunch of ideologically posessed nutcases running round hitting your own team mates in the face because they feel like it".

Comming out of retirement, the three Hanson brothers have taken on the task of sorting out the steaming pile of feculent crap created by the current Alberta leadership.

"Calgarians cannot take it anymore", they said during a recent interview, "they need honest people in charge. I mean.. if you want some damage doing we can do it, but not to our own people," said Zac Hanson.

Zac Hanson will assume the position of Mayor Of Calgary replacing Nehd Nenshi. Joshua Hanson will become both the Chief Medical Officer and deputy Chief medical officer, replacing both Dr. Deena Hinshaw and Dr. Jung Hu together. (phew a nice twofer there). Issac Hanson will run the police. Answering concerns over their track record and qualifications the brothers were confident. "Look at the utter fucking shit show you have in Alberta now", said Issac, "how could it possibly be worse ?"

The recent pounding administered to the young Ocean Wiesblatt by two police officers who identify as female, has sparked contoversy in the Calgary Community. In an online  video, like lionesses in the Serengeti picking a weak gazelle from the heard, the two officers stalk Ocean among a pack of youngsters recklessly skating on the thin ice of a public rink in South Calgary. As the situation escalates the insolent Ocean, foolishly thinking that hebeaxs corpus  matters in Canada, asked why he was being detained. "Because we fuckink zay zo", was the reply... essentially.

In the ensuing tussle, the two fully trained  and armed officers failed to take down young Ocean, (who was on ice skates), despite several kicks to the legs and an onslaught of foul language.



At one point one of the officers points her tazer at Oceans' eyeballs and screams at him, "The path of the rightous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tryanny of evil men!", causing Ocean to drop his Big Kahuna Burger.

In a later debreifing session one of the female officers broke down in tears. "he just sort of stood there. He was only a lad of 21 and yet both of us  could not overpower him", she cried.  "That's so sexist. We were wearing our uniforms and everything. It was embrassing. I guess we just got mad at him for being who he was", she said.

A spokesperson for Calgary Police stated, "We understand it is a confusing time for everyone right now, including us, especially us, and these news rules, I mean helath regulations, I mean guidelines, I mean laws, I mean edicts, are hard to get right every time, especially when they change every god damn day and for no logical reason apparent to anyone with half a brain. Even we are confused. Best just arrest anyone who looks funny to be on the safe side."

Supt. Ryan Ayliffe defended his troops actions. “What’s happening through our lenses is 'good' people are trying to find pieces of what they want to do in a changing environment and it is stressing people out to the max.”



The entire incident was caused by Oceean failing to wear a cloth mask outdoors on a cold day and worst of all, he was suspected of being  too close to another human being!  While some say the police should be commended for their bravery whilst simultaneously taking time away from fighting the Chinese Opiod pandemic and dedicating officers to attacking boys on ice rinks, others who are critical say they have attacked the heart and soul of Canada.